He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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