barbara walters just said penis...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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