It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
