I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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