Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
