Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize