What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
