Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
People in love make me want to vomit
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
