Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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