someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
