mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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