alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
