I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
