it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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