girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
