so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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