the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
