I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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