Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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