Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
