My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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