worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
