Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
soo... how was my night?
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