She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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