My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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