i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
