Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
