How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
