so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
