Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
