Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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