After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
