Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
