fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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