I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
