It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I won the penis lottery.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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