Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
