Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
