I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
