I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
