Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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