it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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