You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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