Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
