Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
