I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
