walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
