Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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