You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
