so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
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Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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