I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
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She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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