Church boner. Awkwardddd
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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