Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
