I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize