Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
