FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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