If that was your dad, he is hot
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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